Soldiering On
by Vol lady
Summary: Follow-up to "Night of the Wolf." When he was bitten, Nick left home to spare the family watching him die of rabies and to make his life count, but there was a more primal motive in Nick's leaving, too, one that might have been the hardest to face up to once he got home again.


Soldiering On

Heath watched the train pull in, a big smile on his face when it stopped and Nick popped out, carrying his saddlebag and looking for whoever was to pick him up. Heath called him, and Nick stepped down onto the platform and put the bag down. They laughed and embraced and were as happy as they had been in ages. "So how did it go in Massachusetts?" Heath asked. "Is Tommy squared away? How'd you like it back east?"

Nick laughed. "One at a time, little brother, one at a time," he said and picked his bag up. "As far as Massachusetts is concerned, give me the west any day, but Tommy is great. Julia's family gathered him right in, and he's gonna be okay."

"I got a rig right outside here, come on," Heath said.

Nick felt good stretching his legs on ground that did not move, but all of a sudden he saw the buggy with the Barkley Ranch name on it. He had a fast mix of feelings – glad to be home. And scared to be home.

Because now, it was going to be time to pay the piper, and Nick knew it. He actually stopped for just a moment when he saw the buggy.

"What's the matter?" Heath asked.

"What did you tell them about why I've been gone?" Nick asked.

"Just that you met a woman and her son and you took her son home to Massachusetts when she died."

"Nothing about why I left in the first place?"

"No. I never said a word, like I promised you."

"How'd they take that?"

Heath heaved a sigh. "Not very well, but they held their peace. They're not gonna be holding it once we get home, though. They want an explanation, Nick."

Nick didn't know how to say he wasn't sure how he was going to explain things or what kind of reception he was going to get once he got home. On that long trip alone coming back from Massachusetts, he himself had begun to think more about what he'd done, leaving the family without a word when he'd been bitten by that wolf. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like he'd acted like a coward by running away, telling himself he was sparing the family the agony of watching him die from rabies, telling himself he wanted more out of his life. Sure, they were an honest part of it, but somehow, now that it was over, now that he was well, he was rethinking himself. He was beginning to think he had run away not for his family, and not just to make his life count for something, like he told Heath.

Not that he was sorry he'd done it, now that it had turned out the way it had, especially for Tommy. He had been glad he'd spent that time with Julia, and that'd he'd been there for her and Tommy when they needed someone. Being there for someone when they needed you was the most gratifying thing you can do in life, and Nick would never regret it, not in a million years. It was just that his time with Julia and Tommy had made him realize he shouldn't have left his own family when he needed them, and something more, something that made him feel even more ashamed. He just finally had to admit that one big reason he ran away was because he was just plain scared.

"The reckoning," Nick said.

Nick could just picture what would happen if he told the family why he'd left. His mother would box his ears, his sister would chew him out, and Jarrod – well, he wasn't sure what Jarrod would do. Regardless, Nick was not looking forward to facing his family, but as he climbed into the buggy, he knew he owed them some kind of explanation, and he knew he couldn't make one up that didn't include how scared he was. He had to be honest. He had to tell them everything, even if he wasn't sure how he was going to do it.

Heath gave him a hard look before he slapped the reins. "Just tell everybody how you felt, Nick. They'll understand."

Nick heaved a sigh and said, "Yeah."

He wasn't at all ready for what did happen. They all came running to him when he came in the door – his mother, his sister, his brother, all of them. They came running and hugging him and now he didn't know what to do or say. "I – uh – think I better go clean up," was all Nick said and headed upstairs.

While the women watched Nick disappear upstairs, Jarrod looked at Heath, but it was Victoria who spoke out, and she was blunt and honest about it. "Somebody better tell me what's been going on," she said straight to Heath, and she meant business.

But Heath said, "It's not my place, Mother. It's up to Nick."

"Didn't you talk to him on your way home?" Audra asked. "Surely he has to know how worried we were. He has to know he has to talk about it."

"He knows," Heath said. "I'm just not sure he's ready yet."

"Well, he'd better get ready," Jarrod growled and headed upstairs after his wayward kid brother.

Heath started after him, but Victoria stopped him. "If we want Nick to start talking, Jarrod is the best one to get him to do it," she said.

Heath said, "What happened to Nick isn't sitting on him too well."

"Well, it's not sitting too well on the rest of us, either," Victoria said. "Nick owes us an explanation, and Jarrod is likely to get it out of him more quickly than any of the rest of us, especially if you weren't able to get him to talk to us."

Heath said, "Nick just needs to figure out how to talk about why he did what he did."

"Don't underestimate your oldest brother's cross-examination techniques," Victoria said.

"Oh, I don't underestimate them at all. And maybe you're right. Maybe the quickest way to get Nick to open up is to let Jarrod have at him. And I know he wants to open up. I think he just feels a little ashamed about up and leaving and saying so is burning into him."

Victoria took a deep breath, understanding, and said, "Why don't we all give them a few minutes and see what happens? If it sounds too rough up there, Heath – we'll all go in and get to the bottom of it a little more gently."

Heath nodded.

XXXXXXX

Nick took a minute to wash up, then had to take a deep breath before he left the wc, because he did not know who or what was going to be waiting for him outside that door. He wasn't surprised when it was Jarrod, standing there in the hall, leaning against the wall with his arms folded and his blue eyes boring into his younger brother. Nick hung his head.

Jarrod said nothing. He just stared.

Nick had to look away. "Did Heath tell you anything?"

"Only that you went to Massachusetts and why," Jarrod said. "I know that's not why you left in the first place. That part's up to you."

"Jarrod, this is kinda tough for me," Nick fumbled.

"I gathered," Jarrod said. "It's gonna be tougher if it's Mother standing in front of you demanding answers."

"Don't I know it?" Nick said with a sigh.

"I'm not walking away from you until you talk to me or knock me down," Jarrod said, "and I don't think you want to knock me down, because I'll hit back, Nick. You've been gone for three months. We've waited too long for answers."

Nick nodded toward his room and started that way. Jarrod took it as an invitation and a sign he was willing to talk, so he followed along. When they went into Nick's room, Jarrod closed the door behind them and stood there, still staring at Nick.

"I was wrong," Nick said. "I should have told you what was happening and I shouldn't have left like I did."

"Well, that's a start," Jarrod said. "Why did you leave? What was going on?"

Nick took a deep breath, still not looking his older brother's way. Somehow he thought it might be easier to say if he kept his back toward Jarrod. "I got hurt. No, hurt isn't the right word. I got attacked by a wolf."

"A wolf?"

"Rabid wolf," Nick said. "He looked rabid anyway. Maybe it was something else, but I was getting sick. Real sick."

Jarrod didn't say anything. He just waited for Nick to go on.

"I was afraid," Nick said. "I was afraid I was gonna die and you were all gonna watch me do it and I couldn't stand the thought. So I left."

Jarrod waited a bit, but Nick didn't go on. When he finally spoke, Jarrod had an edge to his voice that Nick had expected more than he expected the embrace at the front door. "So you went off to die like some stray housecat," Jarrod said. He hesitated, and then he said, "I oughtta knock you into next week."

Nick heaved a sigh. That was the Big Brother he expected to hear from.

Jarrod came closer to him, but Nick still did not turn around. "How the hell could you think so little of us that you felt like you had to go off and die alone?" Jarrod almost spat into his brother's ear. "Just what were we supposed to do – sit around and wonder what happened until somebody brought your body up to the front door? And keep wondering because you didn't tell us what was happening? You _wanted_ us to feel like dirt for the rest of our lives because we weren't there for you when you needed us?"

"It was stupid, I know," Nick said.

"You're damned right it was!" Jarrod was yelling now. "I'd cut you some slack if I thought it was the sickness that made you so stupid, but it wasn't! It was you being too impulsive to think through what you were doing! That's you all over, Nick! Act first and think later, if you think at all!"

"I know," Nick said.

"And you left Heath holding the bag! Do you know what you put that boy through? Do you understand how twisted up his insides have been? Of all the numbskulled notions – how the hell could you have possibly thought that any of this was good for us?"

"I wasn't thinking, not right anyway!" Nick finally blurted out in his defense. "I was scared and I thought I wanted more to life and I thought I was sparing you having to watch me die and I ran and I was wrong!" Nick's voice cracked. "I was scared, Jarrod. I was just plain scared."

The fear and the pain finally came out. Nick began to fall apart, and as he slumped, Jarrod took him into his arms. For a while, Nick just cried and Jarrod just held him. Jarrod would never tell Nick this, but this is exactly what he wanted to have happen. He wanted Nick to let it go, whatever it was, because he knew the minute Nick walked through the front door that whatever it was that had driven him away, he was ashamed of it now and he couldn't keep holding onto it, not if he wanted to heal. Jarrod hadn't polished his people-reading and cross-examination skills all these years only to put them away when it was his family who needed them. Without maneuvering Nick into this, Nick wouldn't have let it go so fast.

Jarrod finally gave his brother pats on the back, like Nick was just a little kid again, because basically, that's what he was at the moment – a scared little kid. "We'd have been there for you, Nick," Jarrod said calmly, quietly. "You know we would have been."

Nick stood up out of Jarrod's arms and wiped his eyes. "I know that. I just was afraid – " He couldn't finish it.

"Not afraid of dying," Jarrod said. "I know you too well for that. You were afraid you wouldn't be brave enough to face it in front of us."

Nick nodded. "That was a big part of it, I guess."

"And so what if you hadn't been?" Jarrod said. "Whoever said that you or anybody else around here had to be brave when there was reason to be scared? Oh, I know, Barkleys have backbone and we're always expected to soldier on. God knows I've heard that song enough through the years. But soldiering on through being scared doesn't mean you stop being scared. We'd have been there for you, Nick. We'd have _wanted_ to be there for you. Maybe we soldier on, but we don't soldier on alone."

Nick shook as he let go of a long, long breath. "I let you down, I know."

"No," Jarrod said. "You let yourself down. You denied yourself the comfort of your family when you needed it most. I think you've paid a high enough price for that." He gave Nick a comforting pat on the back and a quiet smile. "You're home now, and you're all right, and that's what matters."

Nick wiped his face and said, "But Jarrod – I did get something out of leaving. I can't even explain it well, but I helped somebody. I got understanding, of myself. I even got love. I got what I needed to come home again."

Jarrod nodded. "I can believe that you did, Nick. I think the world of you for taking that boy to Massachusetts – that's the big-hearted brother I know. I can even believe you got some of that courage that you didn't think you had. But if you ever pull a stunt like this again – " Jarrod pointed a finger into Nick's face, and smiled.

The smile made Nick laugh. He let himself embrace his brother, more sincerely now than he had at the front door. "Thanks, Pappy," he said. "I love you."

Jarrod smiled more broadly. "I love you, too, Brother Nick. Now come on, let's go downstairs and you can face Mother and Audra."

Nick stood up straight and moaned out loud.

Jarrod said, "I'll ride shotgun for you if you need it. Come on." But he suspected Nick wasn't going to need it.

Jarrod held the door open for him, and Nick went out first. As Nick led the way down the stairs, he saw Victoria, Audra and Heath still standing in the foyer. He wondered if they had heard all the yelling upstairs.

Victoria read his thoughts. "We heard," she said. "And Heath filled in a couple missing parts after we heard."

Audra smiled just a little. "Jarrod was using his cross-examination voice."

"That's because he was cross-examining me," Nick said. He stood there with his head down, while Jarrod stayed behind, a little further up on the stairs, but it wasn't long before Nick had to look up and face his mother's eyes. "I'm sorry, Mother."

Victoria just gave him a little smile and took him into her arms. If she was going to box his ears or read him the riot act, she let go of that idea when she heard Jarrod reaming him out. Nick had been through enough. It was time to be gentle, not angry.

When she let him go, she put her hands on either side of his face and kissed him. "I'm just glad you came home."

Nick couldn't help but start crying again. Now it was Audra taking him into her arms. She didn't say anything. She just held him, and he tried not to cry anymore, but it was too tough.

Heath exchanged a grateful look with Jarrod, who smiled back at him. They both knew this really wasn't anywhere near being over, but you had to start the healing somewhere. Jarrod yelled, Victoria forgave, Audra comforted.

And Heath was relieved. This was a pretty good start.

The End


End file.
